Don’t wait for her to give you permission not to do her bidding – you would have to wait a long time. If she asks you to do something that brings up resentment in you, that is all the reason you need not to do it. You are approaching an age when it would be appropriate for caring to come your way

Now is the time to say “No!” If you’ve not been in the habit of saying it before, it will feel frightening for you, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the key by which you do it. I expect you fear being on the receiving end of more of the bullying behaviour were you to stop being so obliging, but I don’t see how much worse it can get. Stretching yourself to breaking point has not stopped her manipulating you into doing more for her than is good for you. I am presuming what is stopping you using the word “no” more often is fear of your daughter. You are asking me “how” you can change things. You are doing so much for your daughter that you have unsurprisingly become resentful.

You understandably want to disprove this unhelpful label of “bad mother” and so feel obliged to stretch yourself beyond breaking point. I can only guess, but on reading your email I’m far more concerned about what’s going on for you. Perhaps she is upset about her own childhood perhaps she wants someone to blame for how hard she finds her life. I have no idea what is going on with her – it seems she is acting in angry and punishing ways as though you owe her a great debt. Philippa’s answer It seems your daughter is treating you as though you don’t deserve a life of your own. I know I need to step back for my own health, but how? What on earth is going on with her? She inherited plenty of money from her biological father.

She appears to be meek and mild, but is being horrible to me, though never in front of anyone else. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how she uses me, and has nothing but ingratitude for everything I do for her. She said I was a bad mother for not doing either of these things. Again, my daughter said it was inconvenient for her and I would have to join the funeral online or tell the family to change the day. This year an elderly relative died, leaving my niece and me to sort out my father’s house – he died 30 years ago – and put it on the market.

The dash poem printable